punorama | open rp post

[If nothing else, Mitsunari seems to have calmed down a little bit. Good, because seeing him act like he's crazy (well, more crazy than usual) was really rubbing Ragna the wrong way. He knows the feeling of being unable to protect what one holds dear, so he reaches out and pats the other man's shoulder in some sort of... solidarity gesture? Even if it probably doesn't mean much, all things considered.]

You'd better.

[Ragna gives him a small smile. Mitsunari may consider himself powerless, but he'll be counting on him to protect the rest of their crew when he's gone. For all the past animosities between them, it just feels right to entrust that task to him.

The Grim Reaper then walks past him, wondering how much he's comfortable sharing on the subject ─ and frankly, the answer is "not much". It's kinda tempting to just tell him that's none of his damn business (because it really isn't), but seeing as this conversation has already gone this far... it seems kind of unfair to leave it at that.

He stops several steps away, letting out a sigh. Man, he hates explaining shit.]

... Remember when I told you 'bout the whole Azure Grimoire thing? It's... kinda, uh, eroding and...

[He waves his hand in hopes that can convey the sentiment of "guess it's killing me somehow but I'm not entirely sure how exactly since I've never asked or thought 'bout that". Something is telling him that won't be enough for Mitsunari to follow, though, so he tries another angle.]

Or, y'know, Soul Eater. The... shadows I fight with? Yeah. Well, using those shortens life span, so...

[So what he's trying to say is, even if he were to stay with the Katabami rather than return to his world, his days are numbered anyway. And if he's gonna die one way or another, he might as well take Terumi with him.

... He thinks it's better to leave Jin out of it for now.]

[ Mitsunari's morose expression changes to one of surprise when Ragna pats his shoulder. That's a gesture he'd expect from Motochika, not Ragna. Strangely, he doesn't mind.

You'd better, Ragna says with a smile. In that instant, Mitsunari finds resolve within himself. No matter how powerless he feels... he will not let anything or anyone harm this crew.

The nature of his relationship with Ragna is something Mitsunari has found himself finding great difficulty putting into words for a long time now. That they're allies is true, but that doesn't cover all the bases. Somehow, in a twist he never saw coming, he thinks the impossible, the unthinkable has come true.

They're friends.

It's an unorthodox friendship, built on banter and arguments, but also trust. The assurance that when the going gets tough, they can rely on one another.

What a terrible time to realize he has made a friend of this man.

And yet, better late than never.

When Ragna explains, Mitsunari listens. He doesn't quite get it when Ragna says the Azure Grimoire is eroding, but there's no misunderstanding what Ragna tells him next. ]

You mean to say... the entire time you have been using that power, it has been killing you!?

[ Is this why Ragna was so loathe to tell him how to obtain power like his?

...There was a time when Mitsunari wouldn't have minded the consequences. He would have wanted this power anyway, even if it killed him. So long as he killed Ieyasu, it would be fine. That's not the Mitsunari he is now. He wants to live. And he wants Ragna to live too.

An awful thought strikes him. Every time he goaded Ragna into a fight, he was contributing to his demise...? The sick feeling from before returns.

(Dying slowly, eroding away, nobody the wiser... It's Lord Hanbei all over again.)

In a voice quiet but thick with remorse, he says: ]

I did not know.

[That seems to be a common trend among the people he forms friendships with ─ his relationships always have a rocky start, yet strangely enough, the more dislike and distrust he's had for a person at the beginning, the stronger the bond between them grows later on. It's almost funny to look back at it like that...

Ragna nods slowly in confirmation. It's not like he's ever given it any thought when fighting, which is why he's never shied away from using Soul Eater despite being aware of the consequences. He was given this power so that he could live on ─ and what better use to make of his life than killing the man who ruined it? He didn't care the Grimoire would eventually take his life as long as he got to kill Terumi before that happened.

He briefly wonders what his choice would be if it was given to him now, but it's pointless to even consider that, so he gives up before reaching a conclusion.]

Well, duh. How the hell were you supposed to know? I don't walk around bragging 'bout that shit.

[The Grim Reaper shrugs nonchalantly, crossing his arms on his chest. He honestly doesn't think the few times he's fought Mitsunari made that big of a difference ─ if it hadn't been him, he would've probably fought someone else ─ so he doesn't see why the other man should feel guilty about it. Hell, it's not like he was deliberately trying to kill him.

... Most of the time. And even when he did, he also made his intentions clear, so... No hard feelings there.]

[ He wants to hold onto the blame he's directed at himself. He's never been one to shy away from the consequences of his actions. Ignorance is no excuse. That's what he's always believed. ]

Nevertheless... I will take responsibility for needlessly shortening your lifespan.

[ He has to say that. He won't be able to move past it if he doesn't.

Now he must address the second issue. ]

Why did you keep this to yourself?

[ ...Would anything really change if they all knew about it, though...? ]

[Ragna can't help but roll his eyes at that. He knows Mitsunari well enough by now to figure that once he's decided it's his fault, he'll be sticking to his mea culpa bullshit forever. As far as he's concerned, there's no "responsibility" to speak of here, especially not when it's Ragna himself who chooses to fight with that power in the first place.]

Friendly reminder you were trying to off me back then.

[Which, by the way, is not meant to be any sort of snarky remark to make Mitsunari feel bad. If anything, he's trying to point out the ridiculous contradiction in his thinking: after all, why feel bad about shortening his lifespan when, if successful, he would have killed him anyway?

Regardless, he'll be more than happy not to pursue the subject and move on─ if it wasn't to a rather dumb (in his opinion) question.]

... Ain't it obvious? 'Cause it has nothing to do with any of you.

[Obviously, the fact he's slowly dying in his personal problem and shouldn't be of any concern to anyone else.]

[ Ah. Well. Yes. That is true. In some cases. Not all. But still. ]

And I regret my efforts to end your life. Though your words were foul indeed... they did not merit your death.

[ He may be biased in that determination now that Ragna is someone he has come to care for.

He definitely doesn't agree that Ragna's situation has nothing to do with them. ]

A condition that parallels a terminal illness is none of our concern? Are you a part of this crew or aren't you? Would you have liked us to one day awaken to the shock of your sudden demise, no idea as to what caused it? No time to brace ourselves for the inevitable? Even if there is nothing I could have done, I wanted to know -- !

[ He's not just talking about Ragna anymore. He clenches his fists and tries to get back on track. ]

We deserved to know.

[Seeing that Mitsunari won't let go of this "guilt" of his anytime soon, Ragna just waves his hand dismissively. What's done is done and there's no point in dwelling on that. Although, to be fair, Mitsunari admitting he doesn't deserve to die despite the, what's it called... "blasphemy" against his lords or whatever, is quite a compliment on its own.

He wishes he could brush the other part off just as easily.]

And what the hell would that change? I don't need your pity.

[Somehow, it feels like that argument falls flat in the face of Mitsunari's ones. Despite his stubbornness not to tell "pity" and "sympathy" apart, Ragna is at least aware the difference exists; pretending he doesn't know which one applies here would be insensitive, even by the Grim Reaper's questionable standards. Especially when he's not entirely sure if the other man is talking just about him specifically... and the mental image he's managed to create isn't a pleasant one, either.]

... 'Sides, I don't wanna worry you guys. I mean─ hell, it'd suck to see y'all being sad just 'cause every breath I take might be my last or whatever. It's─ it's for the best, 'kay?

[If, at the start of this conversation, Ragna was aware of how much Mitsunari values his life, he would have likely not shared all this.

We deserved to know.

Of course they did. But more than anything, they deserved to live their lives happy and carefree, without the threat of death looming over them every day.

Ignorance is bliss, after all.]

Edited (i accidentally a word) 2017-02-27 23:45 (UTC)

[ Hearing the words I don't need your pity makes Mitsunari feel a sudden burst of empathy for Motochika. Is this how frustrating it sounded every time he rejected Motochika's sympathy and concern on the grounds that it could only be "pity"? He'll have to reflect on this later. ]

Who are you to decide what is for the best?

[ Although the counterpoint could be made that Ragna is the only person allowed to make that decision given that this is his health they're talking about, Mitsunari sure as hell isn't thinking along those lines. ]

Concealing your condition, feeding us all a placating lie that all is well -- I do not want my feelings spared! I want the truth!

[ Because dishonesty would make it all hurt worse in the end. ]

[One of these days Ragna needs to be told that, too, just so he sees how annoying it is. Until then, however, it'll remain his main argument.]

I can't decide that, but you get to make that call for me? Bullshit.

[The Grim Reaper raises his voice, scowling. He's given up on following Mitsunari's logic long ago, but his strong faith in his own moral compass has a way of getting under Ragna's skin. Especially when he tries to use it to question his personal decisions.]

Since when is it all 'bout what you want, huh?!

[Mitsunari wants the truth; Ragna wanted to keep them all in the dark.

There' no middle ground here.]

This is about what you want for us! Selfishly, arrogantly, you assume you know what is best!

[ He would die before calling Lord Hanbei "selfish" or "arrogant", but the situation surrounding his death spills from Mitsunari's lips all the same. ]

I lost my Lord Hanbei to an illness I did not know he had! I would have done anything to have just one more chance to be at his side before he died -- but I couldn't. He died alone! I cannot say what his final moments were like, the extent of his suffering, the pain he was in, because I wasn't there!

[ Mitsunari closes his eyes and shakes his head. ]

I understand why he said nothing of it... The stability of the army relied heavily on his well-being, the illusion of his health... He had no choice. But you have no idea the pain I felt when I learned the truth.

[Oh, so that's what's going on here. That's the reason why Mitsunari is getting so worked up about the whole thing? Because it closely resembles what happened to one of his lords? Ragna's scowl deepens as the other man continues with his story; he doesn't exactly feel like being a stepping stone in someone's redemption arc or whatever this is shaping up to be.]

I ain't your lord, dumbass.

[As if that requires any clarification.]

Though I guess you already know that, since you're painting his case as some kinda noble sacrifice and calling me a selfish asshole.

[He can't judge Hanbei's decision, of course, but he sure knows he wouldn't describe his own as "noble" or "a sacrifice". Hell, he might not be able to argue that he's being selfish ─ but if that's what it takes to protect people important to him, then fine by him. Ragna can be a jerk if it keeps them all safe.

(Even if he inflicts pain on them, it's to spare them something far worse; that's... fair, right?)]

How the hell do you know it would've made you feel any better if you'd known beforehand?

[ That question silences him for a moment. ]

...I do not. There you go. Are you happy to hear me admit it? That knowing in advance would change nothing? Not my emotions, not the events that shall come to pass -- nothing.

[ He doesn't try to reign in the spite or bitterness in his tone. ]

You delayed the inevitable suffering of knowing the truth. That is all. I will not commend you for it.

[No. No, the admission doesn't make Ragna happy, nor does he feel victorious, even though the conversation seems to have turned into a fight somewhere down the line. He doesn't expect thanks, either; sparing someone the pain they'd experience sooner or later is hardly worth gratitude.

But he still thinks it's worth it.]

There you have it.

[If the end result will be the same regardless, why not let his crew enjoy themselves without having to worry about them a little longer?

The only problem is, things are gonna get more complicated now that Mitsunari knows about his condition.]

... Guess there's no point in telling you to forget everything I said, huh?

[If only it were this simple.]

[ Bluntly: ]

No.

[ But now Mitsunari has to make a decision. What is he going to do with this information? There are three things to take into consideration.

1. The crew deserves to know the truth.

2. Ragna doesn't want them to know the truth.

3. Them knowing is not going to change the outcome.

...No, that's not quite it. There's one more thing to consider.

4. Does he, Mitsunari, have the right to decide to tell what is ultimately Ragna's own personal secret?

He's an honest man by nature. Keeping secrets isn't his thing. He's never thought to withhold information unless it was something pertaining to battle plans. Something that must not be shared for the sake of the ones giving him that information.

Which takes precedence -- Ragna's right to his secret or the crew's right to know? Mitsunari isn't sure. Can he really make this decision for them both? Is this one of those things that he must not share?

...

Mitsunari takes a breath and reaches a conclusion. ]

This secret... your condition... It is your problem to deal with. Not mine. Tell the others of your own accord. But -- if the others seek information from me, I will not hesitate to tell the truth.

[ Omission of the truth unless directly asked. It's not ideal, but it seems a fair compromise. ]

[Ragna expected that kind of answer. Mitsunari rarely makes things easy for him, after all.]

Tch. Looks like that's the most I'm gonna get outta you. What a pain in the ass...

["Not ideal" is a generous description. The thought of having to trust Mitsunari's discretion and judgment whether or not to reveal the secret of his condition is not something Ragna is comfortable with; normally, he avoids placing his fate in the hands of others at all cost, so this situation is entirely new and definitely unwelcome.

Not that he has any alternative, so it looks like he'll have to deal with it.]

... Thanks.

[He adds as an afterthought. As much as he doesn't like this consensus they have arrived at, he knows Mitsunari is actually accommodating him here; the other man is almost physically incapable of lying, so the fact he agrees not to tell anyone what he's learned for now is a small miracle.

He just hopes it doesn't mean that from now on, his answer to the question of "Where is Ragna?" will be "Dying" instead of "The galley".]

[ Mitsunari, for his part, fails to see how he's being a pain in the ass in any way. He never does.

But. Wait. Did Ragna just... thank him?

Ragna?

Thanking him?

These two ideas do not gel together.

Mitsunari fixes him with a perplexed look -- and then he snaps back to his usual scowling self. ]

Save your thanks.

[ It might be that he's embarrassed to be thanked... ]

For when? I might not have another chance for that, y'know.

[He says that in a flippant tone like itt isn't an extremely insensitive comment to make. Shush, he can joke about his own upcoming death if he wants to.]

Stop being such a little shit and just accept it, dumbass.

[When Ragna is involved, the line between expressing gratitude and offending someone is really thin. In fact, he just does both at once. But there was a time when he was only capable of the latter; surely this is an improvement, no?]

Don't speak so carelessly of your death!

[ That comment, however, is factually true. Mitsunari can't deny it. ]

...Your thanks are accepted.

[ Was that so hard, Mitsunari?

He doesn't comment on the rude nature of Ragna's statements. Why? In part because he's grown accustomed to Ragna's way of expressing himself and in part because it doesn't feel right to. Like it's a matter far too insignificant to address given the nature of this conversation. ]

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