punorama | open rp post

[As much as he likes straightforward answers to his own questions, Ragna doesn't seem to apply that logic to himself. Hell, he might try to make himself more clear if he had any idea what he's even trying to say here. Or why he's even bothering telling him all this...

The Grim Reaper does notice Mitsunari isn't particularly enthusiastic about the topic. Well, it'd be weird to see him enthusiastic about anything, but ─ he'd expect him to be at least moderately satisfied if he succeeded in avenging that beloved Lord of his.

... Aw, hell. Neither of them likes beating around the bush, so he may very well get straight to the point. If there's something troubling Mitsunari, Ragna will likely hear about it soon enough anyway, whether he likes it or not.]

Let's say you gotta choose between getting your revenge and your own happiness. Which one do you pick?

[He almost cringes saying that. "Your own happiness"? What the fuck does that even mean? And yet that's that might be the best way of explaining what's on his mind...]

[ Mitsunari doesn't quite understand the question. Why are they mutually exclusive? Wouldn't getting revenge bring you your happiness? You can have your cake and eat it too.

He has to consider his own situation only for a moment before he understands the error in his line of thinking. ]

If my revenge is just... I would pursue it at any expense. No matter the misfortunes that should befall me.

If it is not... it would be happiness I seek. ...Peace of mind.

"Just".

[Ragna repeats the word with a scoff. That's a non-answer if he's ever heard one, even if it's not necessarily untrue. Who gets to decide what's "just" and what isn't? Is there really such thing as an objective "right" to pursue revenge or lack thereof? Who can make that call, and on what grounds?

But as generic as his response is, Mitsunari is not wrong. To seek vengeance at any cost... or to settle for a peaceful life. No matter who he asks, in the end the choice is his to make. Hell, he wouldn't have it any other way.]

That's a lot like you.

[He doesn't specify whether it's a good thing or not; who is he to judge that? Regardless, Ragna decides to finally address the other man's original question:]

I guess... you could say I was asking myself the same thing.

[ Mitsunari has always thought himself to be something of an arbiter of justice. His faith in his own moral compass is not absolute, not after Sekigahara, but it runs deeply all the same.

Mitsunari is content to hear "That's a lot like you". Why would he want to sound like anyone other than himself? (Except, perhaps, for the lords he cannot fully emulate, no matter how he may try.)

At any rate, he's glad Ragna finally answered his damn question. ]

Why do you seek vengeance?

[ If he understands the situation... maybe he can help Ragna come to a conclusion of his own, if he hasn't already found one.

He's not sure that train of thought sounds like him. He's changed, little by little. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? It depends. Is he becoming a person Lord Hideyoshi could be proud of?

He honestly doesn't know. ]

[For all the similarities they have discovered between them, there's one trait they certainly don't share ─ namely, the willingness to talk about their past. Mitsunari would likely talk about that to anyone who's willing to listen (and those who aren't too, probably). Ragna firmly believes his reasons are his own and sees no reason to share them with anyone. After all, doing so would only bring the pain back instead of relieving him of it.

But perhaps that's what he needs to find his answer. Perhaps there are times when saying what he's been holding in for so long out loud could do him some good. Perhaps that time is now.

For once he doesn't make things difficult, his answer being as straightforward as can be.]

... Yuuki Terumi.

[Just saying the man's name manages to reignite the flames of anger and hatred in Ragna's chest. They've never quite died down, not even after the years spent away from his world; they never will, he thinks, at least not as long as Terumi is alive.]

That bastard took everything away from me. My home, my arm, my family... All of it.

[He clenches his fists as he speaks, the memories of that day doing little to help him keep his composure. The images in his head are so painfully vivid he could swear it happened a few days ago at most. Together with those come grief and the sense of helplessness, both of which only grow stronger as he realizes how long it's actually been since then ─ and how, despite that, he's yet to get his revenge.]

[ Mitsunari never thought the day would come that he could put himself so easily in Ragna's shoes. That bastard took everything away from me. Isn't that what he thought to himself countless times about Ieyasu? That monster, killing the person who meant more to Mitsunari than anyone else, destroying the bond that held them together, stealing away all vibrancy and meaning the world once held.

Leaving him empty save for his hate.

He can hear it in Ragna's voice: he's hateful too.

Mitsunari does wonder -- if Ragna lost his arm, just what was it replaced with? Is it the arm that possesses such incredible dark power? Something to do with that Azure... dammit, what was it?

No matter. He'll save that line of questioning for later.

What is this he feels? This... anger on Ragna's behalf?

(Ieyasu would say, "You've formed a bond, Mitsunari. It's a good thing.")

He tells his imagination to stuff it. ]

...Make him suffer to the very extent you have. You have every right. Rob him of his limbs one by one until he begs for mercy, and grant him none.

[Just as he expected, Ragna does not experience any sort of catharsis simply because he's confined in someone. His heart doesn't grow any lighter, and the hateful fire in his chest burns as strongly as ever. The burden on his shoulders is just as heavy, even though he'd deny its existence anyway. Overall, it's not a life-changing moment.

And yet Ragna feels something else; some weird, inexplicable sort of connection to the man in front of him, and as much as he'd like to think of it as not important, he really can't. Because he didn't mock or criticize Ragna's desire for revenge. Because he didn't preach that useless "forgive and forget" mantra. Because he acknowledged his right to do as he pleases.

Because Mitsunari, Ragna realizes, understands. His faith in human compassion may be low, but even he can tell that the other man knows exactly what he's talking about.

(There's a special kind of hell ─ one that's experienced in the living world ─ that can turn one into a vengeful spirit without them dying; what are the chances of two of those meeting?)]

I don't need you to tell me that.

[Not because he thinks what Mitsunari said was dumb or redundant; he does appreciate the support he's being shown, even if he doesn't think he needs the validation.

Still, it's nice to see they can agree on something now and then.]

I'm gonna find and kill him. Anyone who stands in my way, too. That's why I got this power in the first place...

[He trails of, glancing down at his right hand ─ or rather, the Grimoire that had taken its place on that ill-fated day. Never mistake the power of the Azure for yer own, his Master told him time and time again. But what's the point of holding such power if you can't use it? After all, if being its host is gonna kill him anyway, then he should at the very least be able to do what he wants with it. And Ragna wants nothing more than to see Terumi's pathetic, bloodied form drawing his last breath at his feet.

Even if it means abandoning the comfortable life he's found on board of the Katabami.

... Right?]

[ That strange power Ragna refused to tell him how to find. Was he truly granted it so that he could obtain his vengeance? If Mitsunari still wanted revenge, he'd be envious. Granted, he is envious now, but for a different reason: he wants that level of strength for the sake of being able to protect what he cares about.

He is going to demand more details from Ragna yet again when something strikes him like a lightning bolt.

The question posed to Mitsunari was happiness or vengeance.

He understands why Ragna wants revenge, but what is his happiness? Is it, perhaps, the life he's made for himself aboard the Katabami? His allies and his romantic involvement with Motochika? Which means... ]

...Imbecile... Why does killing Yuuki Terumi mean forsaking your happiness? If you truly care for Motochika and the Katabami as a whole, you will not strike out on your own in your quest to take this man's head.

Edited (redundancy also i fucked up my edit) 2017-02-21 10:02 (UTC)

[To be fair, Ragna can't tell for sure if that's the true reason he got his Grimoire, but that's what he chooses to believe. After all, it was what saved him and allowed him to live on ─ and what purpose would that have other than allowing him a chance to pay Terumi back for ruining his life?

The Grim Reaper is so deep in his thoughts, Mitsunari's words catch him completely off guard and he stares at him wide-eyed.]

Wha─

[Ragna couldn't hide his surprise if he tried. Is he really this obvious? ... Or is it because Mitsunari understands him way better than he thought?

Whichever is the case, Ragna finds himself struggling to come up with an answer. He grits his teeth, looking away from the other man in an attempt to hide his discomfort with how easily he saw through him. It occurs to him he should just deny it and cut this conversation short, but it might be a little too late for that. Besides, he doubts he could convince Mitsunari right now.]

... It's not that simple.

[It really shouldn't be this complicated; of course he cares about Motochika and their crew and of course he'd like to stay with them. On the other hand, he couldn't possibly forgive himself if he just gave up on his revenge after everything he's done to achieve it... Not to mention he can't leave the matter of his little siblings unresolved; it's his responsibility as their older brother.

So no, as far as Ragna is concerned, you can't have a cake and eat it too.]

Why?

[ But rather than take the time to hear him out, Mitsunari segues immediately into a rant. ]

Listen, and listen well. Throughout my campaign against Ieyasu, I lost many potential allies, all of them wooed to his side, one by one. I hated it. Yet here you are, willing to abandon the only allies you have! If I were in your position, I would not be so ungrateful!

[Perhaps it's for the better that Mitsunari doesn't wait for an explanation, because Ragna might not have been able to give him any; however, that little rant seems to strike a chord, as the Grim Reaper frowns and looks ready to snap back at him in response.]

You think I want to leave?!

[Ragna knew the day would come when he'd have to abandon his crew; it's been obvious since the very beginning, which is why he was trying so desperately not to get attached to them. That plan failed miserably, of course, and his commitment is now backfiring terribly. He wants to both stay with his crew and keep them safe ─ the two of which are mutually exclusive, especially if Ragna's pursuit of revenge comes into the picture.

And if trying to protect people he holds dear makes him an ungrateful asshole, then so be it.]

That fight is mine and mine alone. I'm not gonna get anyone else dragged into my shit.

Oh. I see. You think you are doing us a favor.

[ Mitsunari practically spits the word. This is downright insulting in his eyes. ]

Remind me when you became the noble type, Ragna.

[ Mitsunari takes a step forward. ]

If you are so injudicious as to deny my aid, then fine... is what I would like to say. I do not turn my back on those I have chosen to ally with, for all that you make me wish I could leave you to the wolves for your insolence. You see, I am not like Ieyasu. And there is not a single other person on this ship who would feel any different than I.

Do you think us too weak to handle what you must face? I won't forgive such a grave insult. Now shut up and accept that you will not be rid of us so easily. Even the greatness that is Lord Hideyoshi had Lord Hanbei at his side -- and you will never be on their level.

[At first, Ragna is dumbfounded; it only lasts a short moment, however, as he catches up on what Mitsunari is saying ─ even though he can hardly believe what he's hearing. Why does it always have to be like this with this guy? He tries so hard to take offense at everything, it's now apparently an insult to him that Ragna wants to keep him and their crew safe?]

What the hell you your problem?!

[The Grim Reaper takes a step forward, too, more than ready to stand his ground in the face of Mitsunari's long-winded, self-righteous speeches.]

Which part of "it's my fight" do you not understand?! I can handle my revenge on my own, the way I want. 'Sides, there's no way in hell I'd let any of you risk your goddamn lives for something that's got nothing to do with you in the first place!

[Ironically, if they were to switch places, Ragna would immediately rush to aid his friends, ignoring whatever they might have to say on the subject. Which doesn't make it any easier for him to accept anyone's help, it seems. Talk about double standards...]

[ It is true that this is Ragna's fight. He alone can be the one to kill the man who wronged him so. Mitsunari would have never settled for anything less in his own case.

But Mitsunari cannot accept this situation all the same. ]

You became my problem the moment I chose to consider myself one of this crew! As a member of the Katabami, you cannot claim this has nothing to do with us! You have loyalties! And perhaps, assuming I could stomach the way you gravely underestimate our strength, I would let you do as you please if you appeared to have any intention of coming back!

[ Happiness or vengeance.

What lies at the end of vengeance if no happiness can be attained thereafter? ]

[This conversation is going nowhere. Ragna lets out an annoyed groan, abruptly turning around and taking a few steps away ─ mostly to prevent himself from punching Mitsunari in the face. If nothing else, it helps him cool down enough so that when he looks at the other man again, he can continue without escalating the yelling contest. For now, anyway.]

First, this has jack shit to do with your strength.

[If that's what bothers him so much. Their crew is strong, he'll give him that; hell, they could be ten times stronger and that wouldn't change anything, as Ragna still wouldn't want them to get involved. After all, Terumi isn't the only person he's up against, and he's certain none of them would hesitate to use his allies against him.]

Second, I don't recall ever helping you avenge your lord, so you owe me nothing.

[Perhaps he'd understand why Mitsunari is so insistent on helping him if Ragna had done the same for him; as things stand, though, it's really difficult for him to grasp why the other man wants so badly to support him in his quest for revenge when Terumi has done nothing to him personally.

He's not wrong about that last part, though, as much as Ragna hates to admit it. It's a small miracle he's still alive and breathing despite the ongoing erosion of the Azure Grimoire and the frequent use of Soul Eater, but going back to his world and fighting Terumi is more than likely to seal his fate. And even if he somehow survives all that, he's still got a score to settle with Jin left...]

... Don't be stupid. I'd come back if I could.

[And he has absolutely no doubt there will be no such possibility.]

[ Ragna may say it has nothing to do with strength, but Mitsunari is a stubborn ox. It must be a factor.

As for the second point... it's true. To an extent. Ragna did not contribute in any way to his revenge. He probably would have refused to help him even if Mitsunari had asked, assuming he could have swallowed his own pride long enough to do so.

But the thing is that one, Ragna is on the same side as him, and two, he spared his life and never asked for anything in return. In a way, he does owe him a debt, one that can only be repaid in not allowing Ragna to die.

And death is exactly the outcome Ragna appears to be anticipating here. ]

You don't even deny it.

[ He should appreciate the honesty, but truthfully, he just feels kind of sick. ]

When you at last kill that man... is there naught but death that awaits you?

[ That's not --

That can't be. Because Mitsunari promised himself he would never lose anyone again. ]

[He really should try and deny it, if only for the sake of Mitsunari's peace of mind (which, while not high on Ragna's priority list, is still something he cares about); it's probably his last chance to do so, and he opens his mouth to protest─

But nothing comes out. Try hard as he may, he can't look the other man in the eye and lie. When did it get so difficult?

(Because lying to a friend is never easy, he realizes.)]

... Looks like you've answered your own question.

[That's all he can offer him. Ragna has known it for years already, had enough time to accept the outcome.

This might be the first time he truly regrets it, though.]

[ When Ragna gets his revenge, he will die.

That is why he cannot come back, no matter how much he wants to.

Mitsunari wants to laugh. That same kind of unhinged, manic laughter that bubbled up and spilled out when he took Ieyasu's life. The kind of laughter that says something is deeply, desperately wrong. Mitsunari bows his head and his shoulders shake. ]

So that is why. The reason your happiness and your revenge are mutually exclusive. H-hahaha...

Nothing has changed. Has it? Everything that matters to me... will be stolen away in the end. Every. Single. Time.

[ He snarls and shakes his head. ]

I won't accept it. For you to run off to your inevitable demise while I still live, owing you a debt for sparing my life. I cannot... I won't...!

[ He takes an unsteady breath. He is silent, a little longer than he should be. His voice is quiet, strangely neutral. Devoid of anything. ]

But your revenge must be carried out. It is the only justice there is in this unjust world. I... do not have the right to stop you.

[ There is pain like a gaping hole in his chest when he admits that. ]

I cannot stop you from dying. I... have no right...

[ Another humorless laugh escapes him. And another.

And then he tears his sword from its scabbard. There is nothing and no one for him to pit it against, so he impales the ground. ]

To hell with this wretched world!

[This has to be the first time Ragna has ever heard Mitsunari laugh ─ and frankly, he wishes he hadn't, at least not like that. The hollow laughter rings painfully in his ears more akin to a scream of helplessness.

Everything that matters to me... will be stolen away in the end.

He's always thought the end justifies means, and that he'd be ready to sacrifice anything to get his revenge. And Mitsunari is correct when he says it's only right for Ragna to do so. But is it really worth making the people he loves go through the pain of losing someone dear? The same pain that has left him so bitter and cynical, and that he swore to never feel again? Seeing Mitsunari ─ Mitsunari, whom he's never had an easy relationship with ─ react that way makes Ragna wonder.

That train of thought comes to an abrupt end when Mitunari draws his sword, causing Ragna to immediately tense up, his senses on high alert as he's not entirely sure what to expect of the other man when he's in such state. His next action brings him no relief, either, because for some reason, seeing him hit the ground with it hurts just as much as if he pierced his chest. Heavy silence fills the room, and Ragna isn't sure there's anything he could say to make either of them feel any better.

That's never stopped him before, nor will it now.]

... You got that wrong.

[Ragna approaches the other man slowly, surprisingly calm considering the circumstances. One of them has to be, after all.]

Even when I'm [Dead. How surreal would saying that be?] gone, that's not the end for you. You've still got people that care about you and need you just as much as you need them.

[That's right; it's not as if he's planning to leave each of them on their own. They'll still have each other and be together. As trivial as it sounds, he... wants them to be happy, even when he's no longer with them.]

I've told you before, no? You're not alone.

[ Ragna's words and calmness have an effect on Mitsunari, helping him to reign in his roiling emotions. He sighs deeply and uproots his sword, slamming it back into its scabbard. Ragna is right. He's not alone. But that truth doesn't exactly satisfy him, either. ]

I am tired. ...I am tired of loss. I am not alone only because death has not yet touched what I still have. Now I see it reaching out to claim yet one more victim, and again, I am powerless to stop it...!

[ Why? Why is he always powerless? He grits his teeth together. ]

And all I can do is fight tooth and nail to ensure the others do not share the same fate.

[ If he can, powerless as he is.

He takes a pause. ]

...Why is it that you will die?

[If nothing else, Mitsunari seems to have calmed down a little bit. Good, because seeing him act like he's crazy (well, more crazy than usual) was really rubbing Ragna the wrong way. He knows the feeling of being unable to protect what one holds dear, so he reaches out and pats the other man's shoulder in some sort of... solidarity gesture? Even if it probably doesn't mean much, all things considered.]

You'd better.

[Ragna gives him a small smile. Mitsunari may consider himself powerless, but he'll be counting on him to protect the rest of their crew when he's gone. For all the past animosities between them, it just feels right to entrust that task to him.

The Grim Reaper then walks past him, wondering how much he's comfortable sharing on the subject ─ and frankly, the answer is "not much". It's kinda tempting to just tell him that's none of his damn business (because it really isn't), but seeing as this conversation has already gone this far... it seems kind of unfair to leave it at that.

He stops several steps away, letting out a sigh. Man, he hates explaining shit.]

... Remember when I told you 'bout the whole Azure Grimoire thing? It's... kinda, uh, eroding and...

[He waves his hand in hopes that can convey the sentiment of "guess it's killing me somehow but I'm not entirely sure how exactly since I've never asked or thought 'bout that". Something is telling him that won't be enough for Mitsunari to follow, though, so he tries another angle.]

Or, y'know, Soul Eater. The... shadows I fight with? Yeah. Well, using those shortens life span, so...

[So what he's trying to say is, even if he were to stay with the Katabami rather than return to his world, his days are numbered anyway. And if he's gonna die one way or another, he might as well take Terumi with him.

... He thinks it's better to leave Jin out of it for now.]

[ Mitsunari's morose expression changes to one of surprise when Ragna pats his shoulder. That's a gesture he'd expect from Motochika, not Ragna. Strangely, he doesn't mind.

You'd better, Ragna says with a smile. In that instant, Mitsunari finds resolve within himself. No matter how powerless he feels... he will not let anything or anyone harm this crew.

The nature of his relationship with Ragna is something Mitsunari has found himself finding great difficulty putting into words for a long time now. That they're allies is true, but that doesn't cover all the bases. Somehow, in a twist he never saw coming, he thinks the impossible, the unthinkable has come true.

They're friends.

It's an unorthodox friendship, built on banter and arguments, but also trust. The assurance that when the going gets tough, they can rely on one another.

What a terrible time to realize he has made a friend of this man.

And yet, better late than never.

When Ragna explains, Mitsunari listens. He doesn't quite get it when Ragna says the Azure Grimoire is eroding, but there's no misunderstanding what Ragna tells him next. ]

You mean to say... the entire time you have been using that power, it has been killing you!?

[ Is this why Ragna was so loathe to tell him how to obtain power like his?

...There was a time when Mitsunari wouldn't have minded the consequences. He would have wanted this power anyway, even if it killed him. So long as he killed Ieyasu, it would be fine. That's not the Mitsunari he is now. He wants to live. And he wants Ragna to live too.

An awful thought strikes him. Every time he goaded Ragna into a fight, he was contributing to his demise...? The sick feeling from before returns.

(Dying slowly, eroding away, nobody the wiser... It's Lord Hanbei all over again.)

In a voice quiet but thick with remorse, he says: ]

I did not know.

[That seems to be a common trend among the people he forms friendships with ─ his relationships always have a rocky start, yet strangely enough, the more dislike and distrust he's had for a person at the beginning, the stronger the bond between them grows later on. It's almost funny to look back at it like that...

Ragna nods slowly in confirmation. It's not like he's ever given it any thought when fighting, which is why he's never shied away from using Soul Eater despite being aware of the consequences. He was given this power so that he could live on ─ and what better use to make of his life than killing the man who ruined it? He didn't care the Grimoire would eventually take his life as long as he got to kill Terumi before that happened.

He briefly wonders what his choice would be if it was given to him now, but it's pointless to even consider that, so he gives up before reaching a conclusion.]

Well, duh. How the hell were you supposed to know? I don't walk around bragging 'bout that shit.

[The Grim Reaper shrugs nonchalantly, crossing his arms on his chest. He honestly doesn't think the few times he's fought Mitsunari made that big of a difference ─ if it hadn't been him, he would've probably fought someone else ─ so he doesn't see why the other man should feel guilty about it. Hell, it's not like he was deliberately trying to kill him.

... Most of the time. And even when he did, he also made his intentions clear, so... No hard feelings there.]

[ He wants to hold onto the blame he's directed at himself. He's never been one to shy away from the consequences of his actions. Ignorance is no excuse. That's what he's always believed. ]

Nevertheless... I will take responsibility for needlessly shortening your lifespan.

[ He has to say that. He won't be able to move past it if he doesn't.

Now he must address the second issue. ]

Why did you keep this to yourself?

[ ...Would anything really change if they all knew about it, though...? ]

[Ragna can't help but roll his eyes at that. He knows Mitsunari well enough by now to figure that once he's decided it's his fault, he'll be sticking to his mea culpa bullshit forever. As far as he's concerned, there's no "responsibility" to speak of here, especially not when it's Ragna himself who chooses to fight with that power in the first place.]

Friendly reminder you were trying to off me back then.

[Which, by the way, is not meant to be any sort of snarky remark to make Mitsunari feel bad. If anything, he's trying to point out the ridiculous contradiction in his thinking: after all, why feel bad about shortening his lifespan when, if successful, he would have killed him anyway?

Regardless, he'll be more than happy not to pursue the subject and move on─ if it wasn't to a rather dumb (in his opinion) question.]

... Ain't it obvious? 'Cause it has nothing to do with any of you.

[Obviously, the fact he's slowly dying in his personal problem and shouldn't be of any concern to anyone else.]

open rp post

no subject

A MILLION YEARS LATER

BUT NEVER TOO LATE

sobs at my speed

shhhh I'm not going anywhere

;w;

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

i don't even have an icon for this

i had to go make one

;A;

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)